I’ve always wanted children. And I’ve always thought that would happen. But when Aaron and I got married, we had a few problems that led us to believe that we might never be able to have children. Thanks to some great doctors, we eventually moved past those things and instead of children being a “no” – we moved to them being a “maybe.”
So in April 2012 we decided to “stop preventing” a pregnancy. At that time, it wasn’t necessarily to try and have a baby, but more of me wanting to stop taking the pills so I’d feel better, and I had felt convicted about not trusting God enough with that part of our life. Aaron and I were ready to try for a baby, but more than that, we really wanted to let God take control of when we had a baby. I had been so worried about preventing it before the time was right and worrying if we’d ever even be able to have a child that I had forgotten to let God have it. So, we stopped preventing it and vowed to let God decide when and if we start to grow our family. We prayed that God would bless us with children, but in His timing. We entered into it with the idea that if we have a baby soon, great! And if not, that’s ok too. We weren’t going to stress about it.
But that didn’t last long.
What began as a way for us to trust God with our family, quickly became something extremely stressful for me. I know I had said that I wasn’t going to worry about it and that I was going to be ok if we didn’t have a baby, but that all changed so fast! Now all I wanted was a baby! I thought about it day and night. We had been off birth control for months, and nothing happened. How come some people get pregnant on birth control and here we were without that, and it’s been months with no baby? And as much as I tried not to think about our previous issues, I kept thinking that maybe we really hadn’t moved into a “maybe” for a baby, and maybe we’d always be a “no.” One month I even tried doing the basil body temperature thing but quickly learned that for my personality, that was too stressful for me. It was causing more anxiety than it was fixing. And even though I wanted a baby, I just couldn’t bring myself to turn trying to have a baby into work. I didn’t want it to be work, or even remotely stressful. But it was certainly disappointing. We were certainly still in the “normal” range according to doctors since it’s supposed to take a healthy couple up to a year to have a baby, but if things were hard early on, and now this was hard – when was it going to be easy? Why would God put us through our earlier issues, and now this? Even Kim Kardashian and Princess Kate get to have a baby and I don’t? How is that fair?
At the end of 2013 and no baby, I began looking into adoption agencies and Aaron and I agreed that if by this time next year, we didn’t have a baby, that we would start the process to adopt a child, or a bunch of them. I prayed numerous times between April and December that God would take away my desire for a baby if He wasn’t going to give us one, or that He would help me trust in His timing more. But He didn’t take away my desire for a baby, and no matter how much I prayed “I trust You with this part of my life,” I couldn’t stop wanting what I wanted. I know His timing is always perfect and He can see the whole picture even though we can only see a small part of it, but that knowledge didn’t take away my disappointment each month. I know God doesn’t promise that our lives will be easy, but God didn’t give me what I wanted right when I asked for it. And that was hard.
We had several times when we wondered if I was pregnant, just because I had several symptoms. But after a home pregnancy test, we would always learn that we weren’t pregnant. Those were very hard days. But just about every time that I took a test, in the back of my mind I somehow knew it would be false. I just knew it. I don’t know if I really knew I wasn’t pregnant or if I didn’t think I could ever have a child. Or maybe I just didn’t want to get excited? Either way, I knew what I was going to read. And they were all negative.
But on January 12th, after returning from a friend’s wedding, I took another test. Aaron and I had been wondering for a few days if I was pregnant. My cycle was late, and I had multiple symptoms that didn’t go away. We could have taken the test several days before but I was so over being dissapointed, that I wanted to wait as long as I could so the test would be accurate. So the minute we returned from our friend’s wedding, I ran up to our bathroom and peed on the stick. I just couldn’t wait until the morning, like you are supposed to. I needed to know then. Of course, you have to let it sit for a few minutes to let it do it’s thing, which is always the hardest part. It says to wait 3 minutes, but anyone who’s waited for a pregnancy test knows that in that moment, you’d swear it was 30 minutes. So I waited while I started unpacking from our weekend. Aaron was right there next to me, waiting. He wanted to know almost as badly as I did. After three minutes, I went back to the bathroom to see what it said.
I’ve never been so excited to see a little plus sign in my life. It was a faint plus sign, but it was definitely a plus sign! I showed Aaron and I immediately started crying. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. Aaron and I hugged, and then I quickly remembered who had given us that plus sign. I asked Aaron to pray right there for our baby and to thank God for answering our prayer after so many months of waiting, and years of believing we’d never get here. We didn’t see that plus sign because we finally tried on the right day, or because things started working all of a sudden. We saw that plus sign because that was when God wanted us to see it. He knew when He was going to allow us to have a child and it’s only by His goodness that we were given such an amazing gift that night. And I wanted to thank Him for that. So Aaron prayed thanks to our God out loud for me, because I couldn’t speak through my tears.
I keep repeating this verse over and over in my head. I am so grateful. This has to be displayed in our child’s nursery somewhere. Because God granted me what I asked of Him.
We took another test the next morning on a different kind of pregnancy test that shows words. I needed to see the word “pregnant” come up on the test. I don’t know why I needed to see that, but I did. Of course, the test displayed that beautiful word and then came the second round of excitement! We have been collecting baby things for years, in anticipation of this day, so I told Aaron that I just had to go into the baby closet and look at all the baby things since we were now having a real baby. Aaron said “bring them in here so I can see, too!” And I almost started crying again. Aaron was excited, too. He kept saying “I’m going to be a Daddy!” and now, instead of calling me “baby” like he usually does, he calls me Momma. I kind of expected him to be overwhelmed and worried a little, so I was so happy to see that he was just as excited as I was to become a parent. But I guess, like me, he’s had a while to get ready for this moment.
I’m sure I’ll be back with tons of updates over the next few months as we progress and learn more about our sweet one. We already know that I’m not sleeping well, and I have been crazy sick, but we think that might be coming to an end. We have also seen Baby G several times on ultrasounds and he/she is perfect in every way! We’ve seen baby arms, legs, a baby spine, head with eye sockets, and we even saw him/her move around at our 12 week appointment!
Since we are such planners, we’ve already got boy and girl names picked out and I’ve already put together design boards for a boy nursery and a girl nursery. We’re going to be ready either way! There are a lot more “what if’s” and things we’ll learn in the coming months (and years!) but I already know that this baby is going to be loved like no other.
I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. Staying grateful.