I’m scared. Of everything, really. Fear, and worry, are feelings that grip me constantly. Fear of something bad happening. Fear of not doing it right. Fear that we won’t have enough money. Fear that I might step on a snake in our yard. Fear of not being enough.
If you are a woman, I imagine you can relate on some level. I think it’s part of our design that we are on “heightened alert” a lot of the time and we worry about different things. But for me it’s different. Even a little fear can wrap itself around me and engulf me. I’ve always struggled with anxiety, for as long as I could remember.
But I’ll admit something to you. I haven’t always let God have control of that part of me. The control freak in me doesn’t want to give that up. Giving up all that fear and worry to God so I am no longer holding on to it is so much easier said than done. To give that up, requires so much trust! Yes, I trust my Savior, but do I trust Him enough to take this fearful control freak into His hands and use me as He wishes, despite my fears? I’m working on it.
And while God desires for me to reply solely on Him, Satan wants me to believe that something bad WILL happen. That I am most certainly NOT enough. That I WILL step on a snake in our yard. He wants to rob me of the joy of walking through my yard in bare feet enjoying the sensation of freshly cut grass. He wants to rob me of the peace that comes with knowing that God is in control of my life, and yes, even my yard. And I’ll admit the enemy pulls me into my fears more often than I’d like to admit.
I’ve been following a fellow blogger for a long time – Angie Smith. Angie is famous for her famous husband and for her struggles with losing a daughter hours after birth. But, like me, Angie struggles with fear, anxiety, and worry. I am currently reading her book, “What Women Fear” and I am really relating to her through her book.
She has the same struggles with fear that I do. She also struggles with how we navigate this journey as a Christian. Women don’t always talk about struggling with the things we fear or the things we worry about and we certainly don’t like to let on that it’s hard for us to seek God in the midst of those things. So it’s helpful to me to read about someone who has these same feelings. Through different avenues, like the book, I’m seeing so much lately how God is showing me how He is trying to rid me of my fears.
Last summer, friends and I did a Beth Moore bible study on Esther. I don’t remember much from what I read, but I do remember hearing how God knew who Esther was and used her anyway. And it was like I heard that for the first time. God knows that I am a crazy anxious control freak. He already knows! He knows I fear the unknown but pushes me in that direction so He can heal me. Mend me. And He loves me anyway. And He wants to use me for His glory, all while mending me so I don’t let the fear of the unknown overtake my trust in the God who already knows what is to happen. It’s easy to know this is your head, but remembering it constantly is the hard part. I continue to pray through and grow in this.
I am so grateful for a God who chooses to mend me of my brokenness and fear so he can use me, and who even desires that I be able to walk, without fear, in my own grassy yard.